Who am I?
by Iamdivergent2000
Summary: My mom is dead. My dad is dead. My best friend loved me and is dead. Why are people so content on leaving me? Modern AU, TRUST ME, you'll come to like this story. ALSO! Check out my profile for pics of the house, her room, and OC's, Fourtris eventually!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey ya'll! Iamdivergent2000 here, and this is my first story! I've set my heart upon writing one for a while, but couldn't bring myself to it. **

**So here it is!**

I tried to stop a choked out a sob from coming out as I remembered, but tears are trailing down my cheeks nevertheless.

Mom. Dad. Rob. All gone.

My diary slipped out of my trembling hands and reached the floor with a crash.

**_Flashback: _**

"Rob, give it back! Im serious!" I chirped playfully.

"Okay , Bea." He said, defeated. He reached out to give me my diary. Really? That simple?

Then he suddenly snatched it back came running towards a tree, climbing it with expertise.

"Robert, be careful up there!" I said, my heart pounding against my chest. I have an odd feeling that something bad is about to happen.

I sigh. Sometimes, its funny how a millisecond can tear your life apart, and burn another's.

But most of the time, its just depressing.  
My best friend died that day. I soon realized that he wrote in my diary "I love you, Bea".

It shattered my heart into pieces. I cried for days and days, willing for it to be a big nightmare, constantly pinching myself, hoping. I lived in darkness.

I set down my diary with a heavy heart and look at the rest of my bland old room. My walls are all grey as well as my bedspread, but that was all about to change. (**symbolic!**)

I'm moving to Chicago today.

**I don't think this is the time for explaining Tris's parents right now, so i'll save it for later. Please review and follow, I have great ideas for this journey!**

**Gracias, **

**Iamdivergent2000**

**PS: Now that I look back to this, I cant believe how weird I started this story. But DONT FRET! THE REST IS BETTER!**


	2. Chapter 2

I cant believe I have even come this far. It seems like only weeks ago when Caleb, my older brother, caught me trying to commit suicide with a broken stapler.

Kind of ridiculous once I think about it, but then again, I am pretty messed up.

Caleb lives with another family, and he went crazy once he found me locked in the bathroom with puffy eyes raising the sharper end of the stapler to my heart. But I never told him about how my adoptive life really is. My "parents" are Nita and Bisil Johnson- and they're monsters. Nita is a druggie and Bisil is abusive. His hobbies include mentally degrading punching, kicking, cutting, and, of course, whipping me. I hide it as much as humanly possible, wearing baggy grey clothes and becoming homeschooled, but its really hard to truly hide my pain and frustration. So I cut, but on my upper left thigh. I don't want anyone to see them and find out how messed up I really am.

"Hurry up, bitch, get out of this house!" I hear Bisil growl. I sigh deeply and get up before looking in the mirror.

I see a plain girl, if you could call it that. It's clothes are baggy and ripped, arms and legs bruised, dull blonde hair limp in it's hands, its cheekbones protruding. But it's lifeless grey-blue eyes tell it all. A broken story.  
I wipe a single tear from my eyes and pick up my bag of clothes and memories to bring to my new house, maybe soon to be called a home, but just as I was about to leave, something threw me to the floor. I could see cold black eyes on top of me. Bisil.

"I SAID , 'Hurry up, BITCH' because it's TIME to GO!" he yelled before striking me on the head and taking out his knife. Oh no. No, no, no, no, not right now! Bisil drags me off the floor and pushes me against the wall, making sure to ram my head hard. I feel a sudden burst of pain and groan quietly. His face is skewered into a malicious one, hard lines set near his eyes, squinting. Watching. Killing.

Then I see him twirling his knife and start hyperventilating- he's going to kill me, he's going to kill me, he's going to- "Honey bun, come on, we have to meet the bitch's parents before they get suspicious!". I quickly snatch a glance at who was talking. She seemed almost bored and annoyed, although I could, oddly enough, sense a little bit of worry in the way she held herself. Yeah. That was Nita. Bisil groaned in frustration and cut my collar bone, lingering there before he had to leave. I watch as the colors all around me mixed into the peculiar shade of blood. Then, there's darkness.  
This is cryptic madness.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up on the floor in the hallway with a start. Gasping, I look at the time and rush out of this hell-hole.

I am not Beatrice Johnson anymore. I am Tris Prior, the new "daughter" of Natalie and Andrew Prior.I was informed that I am starting school, too, at Divergent High School. That got me worried- what if people find out my past? What if they bully me? What if they hate me? What if..?

All my thoughts (rather, worries ) are stopped short at the sight-as the taxi pulls up to my new house, I can't help but gape at it. It's gigantic!

Amazed, I mindlessly walk to the towering gates, where it prompts me to enter a password. I quickly shuffle through my bag to find the slip of paper given to me from the orphanage. 4610. As I type in those numbers, the gates swiftly push open of its own accord, and I walk in nervously.

I tap on the door twice and it is opened by a lady in her thirties. Her hair is up in a tight bun and she has a happy, kind face. I immediately relax, knowing she won't hurt me. She smiles, noticing my comfort, and tells me to feel at home. Nata- mom guides me into my new home and I cant help but stare in wonder again.

The ceilings are 12 feet high and the whole wall facing the lake and pool is made of glass. It's indescribable! Mom then speaks up, snapping me out of my trance.

"Hello, Tris, welcome to your new home. Your dad is at work at the moment-he is a neurosurgeon. Matthew is your new brother and he just came back from hanging out with his friends and is exhausted. He is really exited to meet you though, Matt's always wanted a younger sister." She smiles warmly at me and says "Your room is on the second floor. I hope you like it!"

"Thank you so much!" I say exited and race off to the stairs, leaving my new mom laughing. I smile.

This is my new home.

**Okay so I was SO exited when I found out that 2 people are already following this story! But anyways, GO TO MY PROFILE and there are links for pictures of the people in this story and the house. THANKS YOU!**


	4. Chapter 4

I walk into my room and withhold a gasp. It's beautiful! The color grey sweeps the wide room, brown dominating the wood floors. Everything is completely modern. Scattered square cut-outs of different sizes make up my windows and there is a queen sized bed laying in the middle of one wall. Above is an image of a picturesque waterfall dropping into a small serene lake. I go to the elevated bed and gently set down my ratty old bag that just looks worse compared to the room. I see a sliding glass door and open it to find a huge walk in closet full of clothes of my favorite color: black! (black really is my favorite colour )

As I venture deeper in, I see all the trends of today- high-low dresses, crop tops, leather jackets, pearl dresses, and onesies, with a lot of other types I couldn't name. Each outfit has a label of what accessories they'll go well with and I see row upon row of shoes EVERYWHERE! Oh my goodness, I may as well just wear a pair a day!

I finally walk out of the closet and go to my bag, taking out a picture of Robert and I in Disney world, with ice-cream all over our hysterical faces. This is usually when I cry, but im emotionally drained at the moment and I'm out of tears.

Page break… "Oh, Trissss! Wake up!" I hear a singsong voice exclaim. I keep my eyes closed and groan. "ugh 5 more minutes, im so comfy!"

Just then, I hear someone laugh and force my eyes open. There was a boy about 16 or 17, my age. He had messy brown hair and emerald green eyes full of laughter and joy. I smiled. This must be Matthew, my new brother. "Good morning, Matt!"

"Hello, Trissy-poo! Come on, you need to see my room!" Well, he works quick!

**THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING, Chocolatelover! I'll probably update later tonight too cuz im_ feelin it!_ (after I finish my bio hw) (he he he...) Oh yeah and dont forget to CHECK OUT MY PROFILE FOR PICTURES OF MATTHEW, NATALIE, ANDREW, BISIL, NITA, TRIS, HER ROOM, AND HER HOUSE!  
Goodbye, my faithful readers 3**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay, a nice long chapter for you guys! Been working on this all night and just typed it up!**

I step into his room yawning and stretching, and his room practically screams "I' M AWESOME!" Our room layout is the same, but the color scheme is black and neon green. Imagine Dragons posters are plastered all over the walls, mixed in with a few Harry potter ones too. I AM IN HEAVEN! "Oh my gosh!" I squeak out. Matthew laughs shyly and nervously asks "Well, what do you think?"

"It is amazing!" I breathe honestly. He is, like, the best brother in the universe! And he's a Dragoner! Oh my gosh! AND he has all the CD's! AGH!

Matt laughs again and earnestly says "Thanks, Trissy!"

Wait, I said that out loud?!

"Yes, you did" Matt smiles. I blush furiously, but that just makes him start laughing really hard, doubling over and clutching his abdomen. Embarrassed, I say hastily "Oh, shut UP, Matt!" and smack him upside his head. Then, I start to laugh and we both end up on the floor, hysterical.  
Just then, Dad enters the room and I control myself quickly. Blushing once again, I apologize for acting that way, but he just waves it off and tells us to have fun & loosen up.

My dad is pretty awesome.

I suddenly hear chimes, indicating that someone is at the gates, so I get up and yell "Race ya!" to Matt, who immediately sits at the top of the steps and bounces down, laughing like a maniac. I sit on the railing and smoothly slide down the spiraling staircase. Matt is at the bottom, gaping at me and I just shrug. "It was easier than bouncing up and down, probably bruising my sorry ass!" He laughs and says "Yeah, but I still won!"

I scowl at Matt and rush to the door opening it to find a boy my age standing there. I gape at the sight of him, my eyes wide and mouth ajar, and see that he has piercing dark blue eyes – a dreaming, waiting colour, messy brown hair, a slightly hooked nose, and crooked ears. He had a very muscular build.

I stare at him for a few seconds longer like this, my heart pounding fast against my rib cage, until Matt comes up behind me and whispers "Ooh, trissy's got a crush!" excitedly. My eyes widen even more and I snap close my mouth while Matt just goes hysterical at my reaction.

I smack his arm and turn my attention to the greek god standing in front of me. My hands suddenly go cold with sweat and my breathing picks up. I feel dizzy so I gripped he door frame and stutter "Uh…h-hi"

Smooth, Beatrice, real classy. I blush furiously as the man in front of me just smirks and raises his eyebrows. "Hey, I'm your neighbor. I just wanted to welcome you to the hood. The name's Four." His voice is deep and rumbling seeming to come from inside of him. Sexy.

"I'm Tris. Thanks for the welcoming" I say, regaining my ability to speak.

"Come in" Matt says, leading him upstairs into MY room.

I growl at my brother and he just winks, making me shove him. Four smiles and sits on my bed, making himself feel at home and Matt just keeps on laughing.

What an idiot my 'bother' is.

"So" Four says "What school are you going to, Tris?"

I immediately stop scowling at Matt and turn my attention to Four. Wait-did the greek god just talk to me?

Four chuckles "Yes, I did". OH shit. Oh shit, shit, shit! I need to STOP THINKING ALOUD!

By this time, both Matt and Four are on the floor laughing their asses off. "Shut the hell up!" I growl while blushing furiously.  
"Okay, okay" Matt manages. But once they look at my tomato red face, they start laughing all over again, muttering 'ah, greek god' and 'oh my goodness…'  
I huff and plop onto my cushioning bed with my arms wrapped around my knees and head ucked in. I just sit there, humiliated. Then, Four stops laughing, leaving Matt gasping for air on the floor, and rushes over to me.

"You okay?" He asks genuinely concerned.

"Yeah…" I reply smally. "Divergent High."

"Huh?"

"That's where I'm going." I raise my head.

"Oh, cool," Four says, "You can hang out with my friends, Uriah, Zeke, Will, Lynn, Marelynn, Shauna, and Christina.

"Really?" I ask hopefully. Maybe school wouldn't be that bad after all…

"Sure, why not?" he replies, smiling.

I blush for some stupid reason and Matt clears his throat, clearly uncomfortable.

"Well, I gotta go, my … dad is probably waiting for me at home." His jaw suddenly clenched and he breathed deeply at the mention of his father. I mean- its not THAT odd, right? Maybe he just has family issues or isn't that close with his dad.

"Okay, bye then!"

"Bye, Four" Matt said.

As soon as he stepped out of the bedroom door, I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding (I know, I know, its overused, whatever!) and Matt sat criss cross on the floor.

"So… Greek god, huh?"

My anger suddenly flaired again and I huffed indignantly, whining "Stop it, Mattie."

"No but really, what do you think of him?"

"Well, he's hot. Like REALLY hot. And he's nice, and funny, and his voice is really deep and sexy and hes hot and nice and muscular and tan and cute in a boyish way and his smile is breathtaking and hes hot and oh , di d I mention he was hot?"

"I _think_ so." He says with a stupid boyish grin stuck to his face. "What about his eyes?"

I sighed deeply and blissfully.

"Oh, his eyes. An ocean blue, a sleeping and dreaming and waiting colour. But I can tell that he has a lot of "baggage". His eyes hold pain. The same pain of when I was abused by Bisil. Mentally tortured. It was awful, Matt. He would say and do such awful things. He once got so close to raping me, but he passed out drunk before he could get into me."

Matthew looks shocked at this and says "Oh my gosh, Tris, I didn't know it was that bad!"

I sigh. "Yeah, It was. But anyways, something about Four makes me want to know more about him."

Matt smiles annoyingly and raises his eyebrows.

"Ugh, Mattie, you smile too much! Don't your face muscles hurt?"

"Gurl, I work out!"

At this, we both burst out laughing.

"Ah, Matt, you're an amazing brother."

"I know, I know."

I lay in bed and Matthew leaves to his own room . "Night, Trissy pissy!" I laugh hard at this and say

"'Night, bother! I love you!"

"Aw, I love you too, Trissy Poo!"

I turn to my right side in bed, close my eyes, and smile.

I love my new family.


	6. Chapter 6

**You have no idea how long this took me to finish. Or how happy I am to have 2 reviews. (pathetic, I know.)**

**More pics are on my profile page (for the first day of school and stuff)**

**I dont own Divergent. That's Roth you're thinking of. Sorry. **

"Get_ up, you worthless piece of shit." I am back at the house. My new house, my new family, Matthew, Four, all a dream. "Get UP!" He drags my by the hair and whispers in my ear "Now, im gonna have a little fun with you." I scream for help- but it's never going to come. Terrorized, I thrash around, screaming "GET AWAY FROM ME!" His hands grope and squeeze my chest and I scream again. Pleadingly._

_"STOP IT! DON'T TOUCH ME!" I sob. _

_"Tris, wake up!" _

_What? Bisil or Nita don't know my new name… _

_"Tris, honey, wake up!"_

I suddenly lurch forward, gasping for air with tears trailing down my already wet face. I rock backwards and forwards and Matthew sits there rubbing my back. My parents sit on the other side, stroking my hair and reassuring me. It was just a dream. No, not a dream, a nightmare. I stop sobbing, embarrassed that they saw me like this, and immediately apologize, but my parents are just concerned for me.

I sigh, trying to shake off the feeling of Bisil's hands on me, and my parents leave me, saying that they'll let me have some time alone. I draw a shaky breath and turn to Matthew, who is still soothingly rubbing my back.

"Thank you, Matt, im sorry for waking you all up. I usually contain my screaming in my nightmares…"

"Honestly, Tris, stop apologizing! I'm just worried for you." Matthew says obviously concerned. After a while, he said "Do you want to talk about it?"

I think about it for a while but end up telling him everything. By the end, a single tear trailed down from his face as I sit there, shocked. I've never seen a boy look so sad. Especially for his new sister he met a day ago.

"Oh tris, you've gone through so much. Robert died right in front of you," At this, my heart felt both heavy and empty at the same time. "your parents were murdered in front of your eyes, and on top of that there's the shit with Bisil and the things he says and does to you." Matt lightly touches my collarbone, where I have the slightest trace of a cut.

The last cut.

I hug Matt tightly and he embraces me back, saying "Tris, I love you." I sigh and smile. "Matt, I love you." I don't think about adding the "too", because it makes it feel more real- like I'm saying I love him without being prompted or forced to. I ask Matt to stay with me at night and we do. He takes my hand and dives under the warm, safe covers, hiding from reality. He's already becoming a real brother.

Page Break- Time skip to the morning of the first day of school!

I wake up from my forgotten dream to the sound of someone saying "Tris! Wake up, its your first day of school!"

Without opening my eyes, I turn to stuff my face into a pillow, but instead find Matt's chest. Oh, what the heck. I snuggle deeper, satisfied by the warmth he gives me. I've never noticed how much I have grown to crave human closeness after everyone died. I hear rumbling laughter under me and open my eyes to the smiling faces of my parents. Oops! I immediately sit up, rubbing my eyes and say "Good morning!"

"Indeed! Now don't be late for the first day." My mom says. They all step out including Matt, who winks at me and ruffles my hair. I smile and usher him out of my room. Then I suddenly get exited. My first day of school! CLOTHES! SHOES! People…?

I sigh and drag myself to my huge closet. Looking around, I see an outfit good for the first day.

I suddenly see the perfect outfit with a list of accessories. There's a high-low ripped t-shirt that says "Don't go with the flow", a studded set of bracelets, dark skinny jeans, black 'thong' shoes, and a baggy purse. I set them down on my bed and take a shower in my attached bathroom, dry my hair, and pull it up into a messy bun. I grab sunglasses and slide down the railing, Matt closely following, and whooping. He's wearing a plaid red shirt over a long sleeve grey t-shit with dark washed out jeans and black keds. He has grey sunglasses.

This year won't be that bad, right?


	7. Chapter 7

After breakfast, Matthew and I are about to go into my 'bumblebee' transformers car when I realize that I still have bruises on my arms and visible cuts on my left wrist. I quickly tell Matt to stay in the car while I rush up the stairs, slide open my closet door, snatch away a leather jacket, and run back out.

I jump into the car and hook up my iPod to the stereo system. I turn on my Imagine Dragons playlist and the whole car ride, Matt is purposefully screwing up all the lyrics and singing offkey, leaving me laughing and driving on.

We soon reach the school, me wiping away laughing tears and Matt massaging his sore throat.

I had my schedule mailed to me. (This is what I'm taking next year in 9th grade and they're pretty advanced, so I'll just use them for her.)

Chorus/ Homeroom (not taking thatJ) | Mr. Peck

Algebra 2 Honors | Mrs. Borscht

AP European History | Mr. Viola

AP Biology |Mr. Lewis

Pre-AP Spanish 3 |Mrs. Arthmann

Intro to Art A| Tori

Anatomy Semester 1, Physiology Semester 2 | Mr. Justin

I look over Matt's shoulder and see that he has Chorus, Algebra 2 honors, and AP Bio with me. "Haha, you take Chorus? Good luck!" I say jokingly.

Matt fakes a hurt face before saying "Well, love you too!" I giggle at this and notice that all the girls are staring at us. I lean over to Matt and whisper "Let's pretend we're dating. All these girls are staring at you."

At this, I pull back and Matt wears an evil grin, soon hastily replaced with a flirtatious smile. I grab his hand and he goes with it, whispering "I love you" when people come close enough. I fight the strongest urge to burst out laughing and contain myself until we practically run into Chorus, and let it all out. Matt laughs too, and guides me to a seat.

Once I calm down, I see Four walk in and suck in a breath. He looks so hot! But then he sees me and winks, and that's when I blush feverishly and Matt snorts out laughter next to me. He takes a seat on the other side of me, and that just makes me redder than before.

"Hey, Bea." I hear someone say. Oh no. Peter.

I suddenly feel dizzy and my eyes grow wide. I abruptly stand up and my stomach drops me to my knees in pain. I groan and Matt rushes over to my side. Matt's emerald green eyes are the last thing I see as I pass out.


	8. Chapter 8

**OKAY so I would like to give a shout out to the AMAZING melC92, who has been helping me with this story and giving awesome ideas to me, so thank you so much!**

**Flashback: (Sorry!)**

Peter grabs me by the throat, slams me into the lockers, and punches at my face. "There goes your pretty face, STIFF! Oh wait, you don't have one!"

A solitary tear prickles at my grey blue eyes and traced my cheek as I closed my eyes. Tears. Tears are a luxury. Wanting to cry doesn't mean I can but when it really happens, it's a release. Release is the only luxury I can afford, and it comes often these days.

Lauren laughs and says maliciously "Aw, you gonna cry, loner? Come on, beg."

She kicks me hard in the ribs, earning a sharp crack and a blood-curdling scream of terror unleashed.

That was me?

"It's your fault he's dead. You whore."

I gasp and open my eyes, immediately receiving my "release". Salty tears trail down my cheeks, mixing into the classroom of 24 panicked students in a circle around me wearing shocked faces.

I scream "F*** OFF!" and they retreat to their seats, still staring at me with pity. Pity. I hate pity. My arms find the warmth of Matt's body and cling onto him as he sits on the floor, soothing me.

The late bell hasn't rung yet.

Then I remember Peter. Among my tears, I somehow manage out "Where's Peter?"

"He left. I think he went in the wrong room." Probably on purpose. Wait. HOLD UP. Was that FOUR?! I just passed out, woke up, and burst into tears in front of FOUR?! Oh, great.

Matt whispers something in Four's ear and he nods, comes over to me, and **_HUGS_** me while whispering "Be brave", sending shivers down my beaten and scarred back.

He pulls away and I blush when I see him force a smile at me. His eyes are filled to the brim with rage. That's all I see in his face. No pity, no sorrow. Rage and hatred.

I quickly avert my eyes to my twisted hands and give a small smile at them. Just then, the bell finally rings and I run to my seat between Matt and Four. My face is still red and Four laughs at me, making me smile even wider.

Mr. Peck walks in and greets the class like nothing happened, which I am thankful for. Today, each of us has to find a partner and sing a song that reflects on who you are in life and what you have become from an artist of our choice.

Sing? Okay.

Partner? I'll probably be one of the last ones and have to join a group with the other "loners". Oh god. Loner.

That's what Peter and Lauren always called me. And its true. I have no family exept Caleb, who's in Florida at the moment. My only friend is dead. I killed him. Dug out his soul and sold it to everyone around. He left his heart for me.

My face is suddenly splattered with tear drops. Oh no, not right now, I'm at my first day of school!

"Tris, are you okay?" I hear a deep voice ask. I snap out of my daze and look at Four.

"yeah , im perfectly fine. Sorry for acting so weird. I don't know what's up with me." Lies.

"It's okay. Do you want to be my partner?"

"what?" I ask completely shocked. He must have seen it on my ugly face because he (somehow) smiles and says slower "Do – you –want –to –be –my -partner?"

"But what about all those other pretty girls over there?" I ask gesturing towards them, who automatically bat their eyelashes and wave at Four.

He rolls his eyes and says "I don't see anything in them except sluts and pervs. Be my partner."

I smile at this and say "Oh how demanding you are. Okay."

So we work like this for five minutes until Mr. Peck says "Okay, guys, ready to present? I'll take volunteers first." Nobody raises their hands and he says "Whoah now, not so many people, we might not have room!" That earns a laugh from the class and he picks Four and I to go first. Yay. (-.-)

I walk to the front of the room with Four behind me. "You can do this, Tris."

I breath in and start singing "Breathe Me" by Sia. "This is to Four", I think

Help, I have done it again  
I have been here many times before  
Hurt myself again today  
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

My voice cracks again and again, but I keep on going.

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

This part will be hard.

Ouch I have lost myself again  
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,  
Yeah I think that I might break  
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Four and I sing the next part together. I find Matthew in the class and feebly smile at him. He winks back.

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

Wow, he has a really powerful singing voice! We finish together:

Be my friend  
Hold me, wrap me up  
Unfold me  
I am small and needy  
Warm me up  
And breathe me

**IM SORRY I have to cut this short cuz I KINDA need to do my homework (hehe) So leave reviews and motivate me! :)**


	9. Chapter 9

I open my eyes slowly and nervously look at the audience.

They are staring at me in shock and pity. _Pity._

Gulping with shiny eyes, I look at Four beside me and he takes my hand, smiling reassuringly. I am shocked. Why did he hold MY hand? Why not_ Lauren_ or anyone else that is actually PRETTY?

I'm broken. I'm a monster.

I choke out a sob and cover my mouth, freeing my hand from Four's electric one. **(I know. Again. Electric. Cliché. Whatever.) **

And I run.

One foot after another, like my torn life depends on it. Faster. Harder. I feel the burning sensation in my muscles and my lungs fight for oxygen.

I jump into my car and blindly jam by keys into the ignition as I change gears and drive, attempting to see through my tears. I am plain, broken, ugly, dumb. A murderer.

The tears come faster.

I stop at a random, somewhat familiar area when I realize: This is _the_ tree.

This time, I let it go. I throw myself onto the horridly welcoming grass, under _the _tree overlooking _the_ cliff. And I scream bloody murder. I scream and cry, plead and hope, beg and dream, and stare down _the _cliff stained with _the _blood, wondering: when did my life get so messed up?

Where is Robert?

Where are my real mom and dad? I look to the heavens and think "I already know the answer to that."

Why did I move BACK to Chicago?

**(I was gonna end it here, but you deserve more so…)**

Chicago was supposed to be my new home, but the new mixed with the old and crumbled down into a pile of ashes.

I cant take it here anymore.

I go to _our_ valley and lay down in the flower beds, but this time I just close my eyes and cry silently. Mourning for my best friend- that still loves me.

Then, I hear the soft trod of two pairs of footsteps- running feet- moving towards me. Only Matt would know I am here. **(Tris told Matthew in that time skip between the Four thing and the first day of school)**

I sense him sitting next to me, but I don't care. I keep on crying.

"Go away" I manage to say, my voice raspy and dry.

"No. You need to tell me what is going on." That wasn't Matt. This person's voice is calm and soft, but demanding.

Four. Shit.

**Sorry for all of the AN's! **

**Please review, constructive criticism is much appreciated!**

**Iamdivergent2000**

**PS: Read "Cliche" by HelloI'mOz**


	10. Chapter 10

**MKAY SHOUT OUT to my fernd Ayusha who is fangirling over my story rite now! THANK YOU!**

Four's POV: **(tell me if you like his POV or if I should do it more often)**

I have been distracted by her all day.

As soon as school ended, Matt and I ran to my Camaro. "What happened to her? Why is she acting so strange?" I ask. I grip the wheel tightly as we zoom off to nowhere, wondering- could it be because I held her hand? IM SO STUPID! Of COURSE she wouldn't like me in that way! I bet she's got tons of boys trailing behind her!

Matt sighs. "Its not in my rightful place to tell you. Lets go to my house and see if Tris is there."

**TIME SKIP (SOWWY)**

Matt and I arrive at their house in five minutes due to my speeding and Matt types something in the keypad of the gate. 4610.

I automatically race up the stairs and turn right, wrenching open the door. Nope, laundry. Then I remember- I was here about a week ago and went into her room. I wrench open the door, calling out "Tris!"

"TRIS!" I hear Matt in the backround shuffling something and turn around to see him frantically searching through her bathroom drawers. "Oh, thank God." He says while holding up a broken razor.

What?

"Okay, I think I know where she is. Come on. I'll drive."

We run out of her room, my heart pounding in my ears, and at the last moment I snatch a glance at a picture on the wall of Tris and a boy holding hands and smashing ice cream in their faces.  
It is then when something fires up in me.  
Jealousy.

I hastily push the feeling away and gritted my teeth, running back down the spiral staircase while tears leak from my eyes. I'm sorry, WHAT? Four does not cry. Four does not show emotion or weakness. This is Tobias. As much as I hate to say it, that weak willed Tobias is still in me whenever I'm at the most vulnerable.

Matthew opens the garage doors and there stand four cars, all sports cars. Their mom is at a mission trip in the Galapagos and their dad is in Texas with an emergency medical case. He picks a light blue Audi R8 car and we hop in.

My thoughts are immediately clouded with that boy and Tris. Her beautiful grey-blue, piercing eyes. They hold pain, and I need to find out who is doing this to her. If they're anything like Marcus, well…. Lets just say that they'd be as good as dead.  
Whoah, Tobias- Wait, where did that come from? This girl is turning me into Tobias.

And I think I like her.

PAGE BREAK

We finally reach some place with a huge cliff and.. did she commit suicide? Matt and I run to the edge and peer down, seeing dried blood on the jagged rocks below. "OH MY GOD!" I shriek.

Matt gasps and slides to the floor. Then we hear sobs.

Tris?

I help Matt up and we run forward to find a beautiful valley, in which the middle was placed Tris, as gentle as an angel. Oh god.

I trod on. Matt sits next to her and Tris manages "Go away."

That's when I turn to look at her and freeze in shock. Her eyes are closed and she's laying in the wheat fields, looking dead.

NO. She is NOT dead. "No. You need to tell me what is going on." My voice sounds demanding and strong, like Four.

Her eyes snap open and I can see red brim her glassy eyes as she widens them in surprise and looks at me.

"Come on, Tris, lets go to my car and we'll drive home." Matt says, his voice gentle and worried.

I help Tris up and cant help notice how light she is. "Tris, are you eating? You're as light as a feather."

A nervous look flashes through Tris's features, but she quickly plays her poker face and says "No, no, I eat." Then I hear her mutter under her breath "and throw it up."

As hard as I find it to, I pretend not to have heard her, but Matt looks at me with a troubled look and I mouth to him "later".

He nods.

We all get in the car and I say "Tris, is it okay if I bring over Shauna, , Marelynn, Lynn, (they're twins in this story) Zeke, Uriah (also twins) Will, and Christina over to your house? We could play some board games and play Truth or dare." This way, I hope, we should get the truth out of her.

Matt speaks up. "That's a great idea, Four!" Tris forces a smile at her brother's enthusiasm.

I sigh. She shouldn't force a smile.

I text the group and tell them to come over to Tris's house. "Wait what's you guys' address?"

"4657 Dauntless Lane" they both say simultaneously. They look at each other (matt does quickly because he's driving) and laugh. I laugh with them- Tris's laugh is contagious. I stare at her and she looks at me shyly.

There it was. That electricity. I see her cornia grow bigger and she suddenly looks down at her hands. I see teardrops. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I slide next into the seat next to her and buckle back in.

Then, I wrap my arms around her and she leans in, her head down, crying softly. I just hold her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm such a wreck. Such a freak."

I am shocked by her words and yank her off of me. She looks alarmed.

"TRIS! You are NOT a freak! You're not even close to a freak! How could you say that?"

"Yeah, easy for you to say, you're perfect." She blushes, then stutteringly coughs and adds "I mean… look at you! You're handsome, kind, honest, brave, intelligent, selfless, forgiving, handsome…." She drifts off awkwardly and leaves me with red ears. I look down too.

After a moment more of silence, Matt says loudly "WELLLLLL, I think that went nicely!"

We all burst out into laughter but I cant stop smiling at what she says. She thinks I'm handsome, she thinks I'm handsome, she thinks I'm handsome, she thinks I'm handsome, she thinks I'm handsome, she thinks I'm handsome, she thinks i'm-

"UHHH, FOUR!" Tris yells in my ear. Alarmed, I look around and see her house. "what is WRONG with you? You completely zoned out and you've been smiling the whole ride! AND YOU DIDNT HEAR ME YELL IN YOUR EAR" she yells for effect.

"Oh, I uh… um.." I coughed nervously and scratched the back of my neck. A nervous habit.

Matt smiles knowingly. I glare at him.

" Okayyyyy then…., Four, did you call over your people?" Oh oops I forgot after the "she thinks I'm handsome" moment. I smile again.

"FOUR!" I immediately pick up my phone and send the draft.

"Yeah, yeah, I sent it. They're coming." Then I mutter "Well at least now they are."

**OKAY I think this is it four right now. Six you later!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I'm so sorry this took forever and a half to finish but I had a lot of work to do :(**

**SO a nice, longish chapter for you!**

**Tris POV**

In about 10 minutes, the whole gang popped up, banging on the gates. I turn on out surround house speaker and say "Guys, chillax, we're coming down!"

I muster the courage to grab Four's tough hands say excitedly "Come on!" and drag him to the staircase railing. We both spiral down together and Matt resumes his bouncing-each-step method.

As we slide down, I let go of Four's hands and scream "YEAHH!"

We reach the bottom and Four looks shaken. "Uh.. lets not do this ever again." I rush to him and say "What's wrong?! Oh…" He's afraid of heights. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know!"

"It's fine, It's fine. Now let's go before Zeke and Urine break down the gate!" I giggle and step outside to see a very familiar face.

**END**

**Haha just kidding.**

My eyes widen as she looks at me – she looks like a model! "Chrissy?" I whisper, my eyes full of emotion. She screams "BEA!" and tackles me in a hug, throwing me at the rough ground and reopening my wounds.

As she gets up from me and quietly groan. She looks shocked so I quickly say "Its alright, its okay"

Thank god I still have my leather jacket on or else that would've looked pretty weird…

I speed walk into the house with the 'gang' and hand them over to Matthew while they order a pizza from Cici's. I run to my room and look take off my jacket to my mangled back.

God. I need help.

Then I do the last thing I would ever think of doing. "Four?" I call out.

"Yeah?" he says and walks into my room as I quickly put my jacket on.

"I'm really sorry to bother you, but im ready to explain what happened." I feel him tense and take his hand, staying "Its okay, I want to."

Four sighs. "Alright."

"But first, I need help cleaning my back. Christina reopened all my scars"

"Scars?" Four says shocked.

I sigh. "You'll see."

I slowly take off my leather jacket, my back burning at each movement, and see the blood seeping out of my grey shirt.

I cringe. What have I done? Now Four's going to think that im a freak!

Four softens in understanding but nervously says "Uh… can I look at it?" with the tips of his crooked ears red.

I blush and say "Oh, yeah." , taking off my bloody shirt and looking at him with pink cheeks.

He smirks and blushes looking at the front side of me and I flick him, saying "Uhmm FOUR! My back is kinda BLEEDING right now!" I giggle as he turns even redder and runs out to get something. He returns with a first aid kit and gently cleans out my gashes, stopping when I wince or groan.

Four finally finishes and I hug him. "Thank you so much." I say, my voice muffled from his t-shirt and back throbbing. He gently places his soft but tough hands on the unscarred sections of my back, leans down, kisses my forehead, and says "No problem." He pulls away, goes to the bathroom, and turns on the bathtub, throwing in different oils and Epsom salt.

"Come on, this'll ease the pain."

I nod and he walks out of the bathroom, but I leave it unlocked, strip, and lay in the bathtub, letting the feeling immerse me.

**FOUR's POV**

Okay, this is weird… there is a naked girl that I like a door away from me.

"Fourrr! I'm bored!" I hear an angelic voice whine.

"Well, there isn't much to do in a bathtub." I reason.

"Okay, come into the bathroom, I have something to ask you." _Uh…what?_

I suddenly get nervous and I can feel myself harden as I walk into the bathroom. The curtain is drawn and I let out a shaky breath as I uncomfortably sit down on a bench next to the tub.

"Four, do you have a girlfriend?" She asks curiously.

"No, I don't"

"And…are you a virgin?"

"Uhmm, yeah. Why?" I ask, still uncomfortable and figity.

"Oh, well, I just saw all those girls throw themselves at you and was wondering…"

"Oh, well I am." This conversation was getting really awkward really fast, so I ask "How do you know Christina?"

I can hear Tris shift as she says "She was the only one who stuck up for me when Peter and Lauren bullied me after Robert died. Rob was my best friend, but he committed suicide after he found out that I didn't love him the same way he did to me." Then she starts to cry.

My heart broke right then and there as I put together the pieces: the picture, the sensitivity to the name

'Bea', Peter, the dried blood at the bottom of the cliff… But the scars?

"What about the scars?" I ask softly.

I don't want to scare her, but inside I feel a tornado of emotions. Rage, understanding, sadness, all mixed in with the goal of healing her from her past.

She sighs, letting out a shaky breath, and says "In my second host family, I had a 'mother' and a 'father' named Nita and Bisil Johnson. Nita was a druggie and Bisil came home every day drunk and beat me, cut me, whipped me, mentally and physically tortured me. He called me fat, so I starved myself. He called me ugly so I stared at myself in horror. He called me a worthless, stupid bitch and, well, I believed him."

I sit there in shock of what I just heard, taking it all in. He's Marcus, Part 2! I should tell her about Marcus. She shouldn't feel alone. So I do.

"I understand completely. Marcus does that to me too. He whips me with his belt every day and returns home drunk." I hear her soft sobs through the thin curtain shielding her from me and say "You, know, if you weren't naked , I would comfort you right now." Once I realized what I said, I facepalmed myself and Tris just giggles, "Okay, now shoo! I have to get dressed!"

"I can help!" I say on autopilot. _STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! _

Tris bursts out laughing and says "Oh, I think I'll manage, thank you!"

I chuckle and walk out of the room, thinking, "_Well, that was weird…" _

I run downstairs just to see all the pizza gone. "seriously, guys?!" I exclaim. They all throw their hands up, but Matthew cant, because he has four slices of pizza in his hands.

Just then, Tris comes down in a t-shirt and sweatpants, saying "Let the games begin!"


	12. Chapter 12

**So although im really busy, and not done with this chapter yet, I though you deserved something so here ya go! Oh yeah and notice that Marlene's name is spelled more like Lynn's because they're twins and it makes sense for them to have similar names. ENJOY!**

"Okay," Four starts. "Let me introduce the gang. This is Zeke and Uriah, they're twins, obviously not identical, troublemakers. That's Lynn and Marelynn, also twins, not identical, and Mar is dating Urine over there."

Four is interrupted by an indignant "Hey!" from Uriah and I giggle. Four rolls his eyes at him but turns and smiles slightly at me, making my heart race, and continues.

"That's Shauna, dating Zeke, and then there's will, quite the intellectual man, and, lastly, Christina, as you know already." He then leans over and whispers "Will and Christina like each other, but they're totally oblivious to it, so try connecting them." I nod and we all go to the balcony and sit in a circle, ending up in between Four and Christina. "Okay, so how do you play?" I ask shyly.

"Someone asks you 'Truth or Dare' and you pick one. Then if you pick truth, you MUST answer it truthfully, and if you pick dare, you have to execute the dare. The penalty of not wanting to do a dare is a piece of clothing. Socks, shoes, and jewelery do not count." Will says matter-of-factly.

_Good thing I've been working out in the gym. Im starting to be really muscular and just earned my abs._

"Alrighty then," I say, rubbing my hands together, "Who wants to start?"

"I do!" Will says excitedly. "Four, truth or dare?"

"Dare" he says confidently.

"Okay, I dare you to let anyone in this circle to tattoo you with a sharpie anywhere they want."

"Come on, Tris, pick a spot, any spot." He chose me? "Uh okay hold on."

I run to go get a sharpie from the kitchen drawer and come back to the circle, telling Four to turn around. On the nape of his neck, I draw a tree (amity tree) and when I'm done, I let it dry and take a picture of it, timidly giving Four my Samsung Galaxy S4. He takes it gently and stares at the sharpie tattoo with wide eye and says "This is amazing!" everyone takes a minute to admire my work. I blush bright red and smile, looking into Fours dark blue, rich, beautiful, shining, deep eyes—until we get so KINDLY interrupted by snickering in the background.

Four clears his throat, snatching away our intense gaze, and continues the game.

"Uriah, truth or –"

He gets cut off by Urine yelling "Dare, BABY!"

"I dare you to pretend like you're pregnant and run around the neighborhood screaming "I'm in labor! Help me!"

Uri laughs and says, "Okay, come on!"

He grabs a basketball and stuffs it up his shirt while Matt groans "That was my favorite one!" and wrinkles his nose.

So with that, Uriah takes off down the street, screeching "AGH SOMEBODY HELP ME, IM IN LABOR!" and ingeniously unscrews his water bottle, still yelling "MY WATER BROKE!"while groaning. I clutch onto Four for support while silently dying laughing and accidently snort, making everyone laugh with me. Partially because of the empty streets that no face has illuminated, except ours.

"Oh, Uri, youre pregnant and still nobody helps you!" I hear Zeke call out. Uri stops yelling and turns to Zeke, still pregnant, with his hands on his hips. He purses his lips and says "Be thankful you aint coming any closer or I just might whip you!"

At the word "whip", both Four and I stop laughing and cringe, but no one seemed to notice as they drag Uriah back to the gates, laughing. I look up to my beautiful Four, and see him staring strait in front of him, scared and paralyzed in fear.

I touch his cheek and guide him to my eyes, pleading him to stay calm and take deep breaths. Then he finally looks down at me and suddenly hugs me, his muscular body crashing into my smaller developing frame. I close my eyes and savor this small moment, willing it to last forever, until time ends.

PAGE BREAK!

We are back on the balcony and its Uriah's turn. "Christina, truth or – wait for it" he puts his hand up dramatically and says "dare?"

Christina thinks about it, but ends up picking "truth".

"WIMP!" calls Uri. "Okay, describe the person you have a crush on in 5 minutes. And you HAVE to take up all that time.

He takes out his phone and turns on the timer. "Anddd…. START!"

"well… He's hot. And he has green eyes, he's smart, athletic, funny, his smile makes me want to smile, he's my best friend, he's brave, he takes MMA classes, he plays football, I wont say the colour of his hair though, but he has 13 pairs of shoes, 24 shirts, and 6 pairs of jeans, in the colours navy blue, light blue, black, khaki, and grey. And he shaves 4 times a week."

After her quite stalkerish rant, the circle burst out into laughter, some saying "stalker much?" while she blushes and hides behind me.

Will's eyes light up as he gets up and sits next to Chrissy, whispering something in her ear, causing her to perk up and nod her head like a madman.

Four and I exchange knowing looks and he smile a heart-warming one- I feel like I am melting slowly like butter on a hot stove. My insides are turning into nothing but my love for him. I love Four. I want to tell him so badly, but I know he couldn't like me back like that…

Suddenly, I hear Christina yell in my ear "TRIS!" Oops, I zoned out. "Uh.. uhmmm..yeah?"

"Girl, you were staring at Four for like 10 strait minutes! What is wrong with you?"

I know I cant hide this from Chrissy; i've known her since 3rd grade. So, feeling bold, I get up close to her and whisper in her ear "Love."

She automatically squeals and says "Oh my GOSH, Bee, you _have_ to tell me everything!" I hush her and turn to see an ocean of confused and questioning faces.  
"Well, now that that has been taken care of," Matt says "truth or dare, Marelynn."  
"Dare."  
" I dare you to take three shots and try to do a cartwheel. Successfully." He adds.

Marelynn takes the shots, and after 7 tries, she finally gets a cartwheel. "Whoo! I didddd it!"

Drunken Mar says "Okayy, Shauney, Trooth or daer?  
"Dare."

" I dare you to choose someone to be on the bottom of a human sandwich and make it." She giggles.

"haha okay I pick Zekey bear."

So, we are all forced to become a huge human sandwich, conducted by Shauna, and here is the order, from bottom to top.

Zeke, Christina, Will, Four, Me, (which I didn't mind at all…) Uriah, Marelynn, Matt, and Lynn.

"Okay," I struggle, "we make a pretty bad-ass human sandwich, but I cant breathe!"  
Shauna takes one more picture on her phone before letting us go, with me gasping for air. "I am NEVER doing that again!"


	13. Chapter 13

**Okay, first, I need to say this. I_ AM SOOOOO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING AT ALL!_ ****But Emma Lee passed this Monday, April 21st and it tore me to shreads.. although, strangely enough, it helped me get out of my other depression issues and crap SOOO.. This is short but it's something, and i'm gonna add some of my sadness to this soon, so hold on. **

**Kisses!**

**IAD2000**

"Tris, Truth or Dare?" A still drunk Shauna asks.

"Dare." Yeah. Wrong choice.

"I dare you to ride Four like a horse!" Shauna says, giggling like crazy.

"Uh…okay?" I say, my cheeks imitating fire. I cant believe they're torturing me like this! They all know lI like Four.

I look to him beside me and he gets on all fours, saying, "Well, better get this over with!" with an odd expression on his face.

I feel horrible.

After that, I really want to wallow in my own misery, but Christina reminds me that I have to dare someone. Sighing, I say dully "Matt?"

"Dare."

"Slap Uriah with raw steak." Emotionless.

"Awesome!" Exited.

So he goes to the exterior kitchen and grabs a piece of raw steak "Watch out, Uri, here I come!" Matt says excitedly.

Uriah squeals like a girl and runs away from Matthew, who pursues him like a lion would do with a lamb, (yeah, Twilight reference. Don't hate.) and ends up being slapped bloody anyway.

So I space out, thinking sadly about Four, until Will calls on me. "Tris, truth or dare?"

Just as I was about to answer, Marelynn whines. "Okay guys, I am OFICCIALLY bored. Can't we play something else?"

"Actually," I butt in, my voice still dead, "I'm tired. Im going to sleep. Night."

With that, I rush out of the room and slam the fragile door close, closing my eyes and sinking down the door. A

ll I have in me is sadness. I cant cry, and it's frustrating me.

Sadness. A deep push against my chest, dragging me six feet under scream. Why am I so sad?

Four. Nita. Bisil. Four's sadness?

Finally, the release. My release. It starts to rain.

**Now something evil is gonna happen next chapter :)**

**Thanks for holding onto this story!**


	14. Chapter 14

I feel like I'm going to die of stress and anxiety. Oh well, at least I know a few people up there, but I'm probably going to hell anyway with the way I'm thinking. I'm pathetic.

I've never really thought of the first time Bisil hit me. I was six years old and being homeschooled by him when I lied about what chapter I was on, because I didn't really want to go over the hard part.

That was a mistake.

Bisil suddenly raged with anger, and started to hit and punch me, leaving me screaming for mercy to the point where I couldn't talk for weeks after. But then, he picked me up and threw my head against the wall, banging my head against it and left me there crying, not sparing me a final kick. Every time, to this day, when I think about it, I cant hold the tears in me.

I will never forget that night. Never.

This is what I remember as I lay on the floor of my room, staring up to the perfectly running fan. All of the chains I broke when I learned that I would transfer. But what if this family lets me go?

I cant deal with this anymore. Fuming, I get up from the floor, pull open the door, and stomp over to the exercising room, where my uppercut punching bag is (it's a punching bag that is really hard to move), and I lose it. I feel the wetness on my cheeks as I imagine Bisil's face at the first beating and think of my lasting scars, though they fade away.

The bag swings off its harness, beaten. I win. And then I start to cry. Heart screaming, stomach wrenching, tired, broken, hopeless sobs of sadness.

I hear footsteps and the door opens to reveal Christina.

I sob harder.

"Oh my God, Tris, whats wrong?!" she cries.

"I- He h- hates me!" I choke out, gasping for air.

Chris was quick to comfort me, and say "Four doesn't hate you, he's just acting…. Strange."

"He HATES ME! And ive been perfectly nice to him! Why does he have to hate ME? What did I ever do? Did I ruin his life? Was I too obvious? Did I say anything wrong?" I exclaim, tears trailing down my face.

And then everything turns black.

**PAGE BREAK**

**Marelynn's POV**

Four comes over to us, looking strange so I go over to him and hug him, but he pushes me away. Not a friendly push, but an agressive one.

"Don't touch me!" he growls, his eyes burn with fury.

"Four I," I start, but he runs out of the room without further word.

"Four!" Christina yells, "Come back here you can't run away from your problems!"

We don't bother chasing after him. I sit in the chair and Christina speaks.

"Do you think she'll wake up before they pull the plug?" Christina asks me, I can tell she's still crying.

"I hope," I say, there's still tears in my eyes, it's more of a loss for Christina and Matt, I haven't known her as long, but it still hurts. Christina looks at me with wide eyes.

It's been a few weeks since Tris passed out in the exercising room, and although I can tell Four really cares, he doesn't show it. Apparently, she is dehydrated, and has stress problems and anxiety.

"You know, they really like each other, but ill admit, Four's being an ass."

"I just wonder how hard it is for someone you love to hate you like that." Christina says. She's right, I couldn't imagine Uriah hating me, much less how I'd feel about it. I would go crazy.


	15. New One-Shot

**OKAY SO since I realized how much popularity my story has, I wrote another one-shot about the time where Tris was being rescued by Four at the chasm and the scene after in Four's POV. I tried to make it as "fourey" as possible and it's already up, called "I'm Awake".**

**ALSO, do you guys want me to do a Twilight fanfic? And I was thinking of doing one for both twilight and divergent about them finding out there's a book written about them. I try to find those on but there are only a few that the authors have given up on. But anyways, I NEED YOUR ADVICE! AND CHECK OUT MY ONE-SHOT!**

**Adios,**

**IAD2000**


	16. Chapter 15

**Kind of like a filler chapter. DONT WORRY she will remember everything soon. **

**IAD2000**

**Disclaimer for the whole story: I am not Veronica Roth, therefore I do not own Divergent.**

**Uriah's POV**

"Did you hear that?" She asks, I didn't hear anything, but she must have.

"Hear what?"

"Tris!" she starts, "She just mumbled something!"

"Are you sure?" I ask, Christina tends to hear things when she's upset, "I didn't hear anything.

"I did," bolting up and to Tris's hospital bed. She grabs Tris's hand, it's still limp."I heard you say something." she frowns, Tris is still unresponsive.

"Chris, you okay?" she comes back over and sits on my lap. She needs a hug. I hug her from behind gently. She quietly sobs into my arms.

"I thought I heard her." she says, her eyes full of tears.

"I'm sorry Chris, but I don't think it's going to happen." I explain, she bolts upright to her feet and turns to face me. I notice now how tall she is. Almost the same height as me.

"You were the one who said 'Never loose faith!'" she yells, her shouts filling the room.

"I was, I'm sorry.' I can't explain this urging feeling sitting in my stomach, the feeling that she will never wake up.

"You're sorry, that's all you have to say for yourself!" she yells, louder than the time before.

"Please." A weak voice comes from the corner of the room, "Stop fighting."

"TRIS!" Christina exclaims before I even have time to think for myself.

"What?" Tris moans, She's been through a lot lately, I don't blame her for snapping at Christina the way she did. Surgery isn't fun.

"You're-you're alive!" Christina squeals, all the sadness from the past 2 weeks washed away in an instant.

"I'm not quite sure that's the right word for it." Tris says with no emotion in her voice. Christina laughs.

"Oh my god, Four!" Christina says, her eyes widen. Four left literally five minutes before she woke up.

"Who's Four?" Tris asks, she looks confused.

"Tris?! You don't remember Four?! Great. Now we're going to have to teach you everything all over again." Christina says, she looks completely serious.

"Do I like Four?"

"Tris Prior!" Christina yells, she looks like she just saw a ghost. Her face is pale.

"That's my name," says Tris sarcastically, She starts laughing again, but abruptly stops, probably because it hurts to much.

"I'll go get Four." I volunteer, "I'll let you guys catch up."

"Uriah!" Tris exclaims, "What happened to me?"

"You've been out for a long time, Tris. You've missed a lot." It's true, 2 weeks since she had collapsed.

"Oh," she says in a quiet voice.

**Time Skip**

**Tris POV**

As the door opens again, I see a tall, handsome, and muscular figure enter the room and my heart monitor picks up.

"Tris," Four says, his eyes are glassy, but a very beautiful deep blue I have yet to come to know well, he runs quickly to my bedside and hugs me. It hurts, but I don't say anything. "You're awake!" He grips me tighter and a strangled gasp escapes my lips.

"Sorry!" Four says backing up. Two weeks, I can't believe I've been out for two weeks. It would have been less confusing for me if they would have let me die. Why didn't they?

"It's okay," my voice is barely a whisper, but Four seems to have understood me. He looks straight into my eyes. I can imagine what he's thinking, or at least I think I can.

"Who are you to me, if you don't mind me asking?" I ask quietly.

"I'll leave you two." Uriah says, getting off of the chair in the corner of the room. His steps are almost silent, like he's gliding over the floor instead of stepping on it.

"Me too," Christina says, I almost completely forgot she was in the room. She stands up, her shirt flowing behind her when she walks.

Once they are both out of the room, I prompt him. "So?"

"Well, I'm a friend…" Just then, a doctor comes in. She has long, amber hair and a perfect face, with unusually large doe eyes, around her mid twenties athough she looks very young.

"Hello, my name is Dr. Renesmee. Do you know your name?"

"Tris." I responded. I remember _that _much, I'm not a moron.

"What year is it?"

I sigh and say "2014" impatiently.

"And who are you're parents?"

Suddenly, my mind goes blank as I try to remember. Digging through the depths of my brain, I cant bring myself to remember and whimper slightly.

"I- I don't know." I reply, choking the words out. Now i'm panicking.

"It's okay, honey. Do you know who this is?" Dr. Renesmee asks as she gestures towards Four.

"Yes, but I don't remember who he is to me or anything about him or anybody else."


	17. Chapter 16 VERY VERY LONG!

**AN ALMOST 6,000 WORD CHAPTER FOR YOU ALL! (In honor of the Unit test in Biology i'm not studying for:))**

**And thank you ALL for the MUCHO kind reviews!**

**IAD2000**

Dr. Renesmee said that I am in depression and have lost a lot of weight. Apparently, I blacked out because of low metabolism levels.

TIME SKIP

This is the day I get out of the hospital. I need to go see Four and demand what his problem was.

Oh and, yes. I remember.

I reach home to a parentless house. Matt was standing by the door as I ringed the bell.

"Matt, where are Mom and Dad?" I ask.

"They both went on business trips, remember?"

Oh. Right.

**TIME SKIP ****à Tris realized that Four left Chicago**

"Unworthy, disgusting, selfish, pathetic...", runs throughout my mind like wild fire.

Tears begin to well, blurring my vision as I stand shakily staring at my reflection. Disgust and hatred seemingly burns the inside of my skull as the first tears dribble out the corners of my eyes wetting my nose before I taste their saltiness on my quaking lips.

"Ha, even weaker and even more pathetic than I thought you were!" my inner demon chides mockingly as the first true sobs are heard escaping me, reverberating off the cold tiled bathroom floor. The eerie darkness of the night magnifies my feelings of isolation, which stab me time after time! Loneliness brings me to my knees as I convulse with nerve racking sobs; the sobs build power and intensity with every moment of time passing, with each painful, unwanted breath.

Suddenly I clasp my hands desperately to the sides of my head as tormenting thoughts and emotions beyond my control, swirl, kicking me maliciously in the gut, knocking me to the floor. I cry out soundlessly in desperation as the cold tiles bring no pain or discomfort as they should; I curl into a foetal position, cradle my head like a bomb about to explode before rolling around, muttering, and pleading for the pain to cease. However hard as I try the pain keeps coming, it doesn't stop; that voice of ill intent hovering over my crumpled body.

He doesn't like me, the voice, the thoughts, the unprecedented emotions and feelings. He hates me. I can see that and can feel its grasp more than never before. After whimpering, pleading, thanking and helping him for all this time he still mocks me. I know I deserve all of this from him all of this pain is more than I deserve, after all the wrong turns, imperfections and the selfish cruel acts I have committed to, thought and done. I deserve this. I am worthless. I am scared.

**PAGE BREAK-****à Two months later **

Rain petted the window gently as I was slowly aroused into consciousness by the sound. Not wanting to open my eyes I blindly reached over for comfort, my hand continued its search for a few more dragging moments until it gave up. Annoyed I grumbled incoherently before propping myself up whilst rubbing sleep from my eyes. The rain continued petting the window as I slowly opened my eyes to the soft light wavering into my room through the curtains. Great another day without him, without my Four.

Realising this sorry fact I slumped back into bed wanting nothing more than sleep to overcome me till the day I die. However the pain smacked me in the gut. Four was not my Four, Four did not want me. I always knew he was too perfect for someone as ordinary and weak as a human like me. Unable to stop myself, my mind begun bringing forth images of how beautifully god-like he was; his special crooked smile, perfectly sculpted tall muscular body, his perfect deep blue eyes, his messy brown hair, his melodic voice, his charm, his beauty, his smell, his lips... I never deserved someone anywhere near to perfect let alone him, with his beyond human beauty. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes as that wretched whole made me clutch at my body trying to somehow mend the emptiness that made me feel as though my body would collapse in on itself; my world, my universe had already gone, since he left, it's not like that could collapse. I felt like a moon was circling a planet which was no longer there yet still circled in hope.

"Tris!" Matthew gently but firmly called up the stairs. What time is it? Did I do something wrong? Matthew never wakes me in the morning. I guess it's because unlike the past months I haven't woken up screaming bloody murder. Maybe that is it...

I slowly once again got up rubbed my eyes, but this time to rid myself of the tears, those wretched tears, and removed my blanket. My body shivered at the unexpected temperature of a cooler room. Lazily I pulled on comfy jeans and baggy tee-shirt, not that comfy had any meaning to me anymore, then quickly pulled on some socks and thumped down the stairs to Matthew awaiting me.

Tripping only once on the bottom stairs, I lazily trudged into the kitchen from where I heard Matthew call out to me. "Tris, come sit I made us some breakfast" he almost sounded pleading as he pet the seat next to him and gestured to his idea, or was it attempt, at making breakfast. I blinked at the milk and bowl of plain cereal. "Matt, you forgot to pour juice" I mumbled as I retrieved two glasses and poured each of us a one. He smiled sheepishly but still had that weird pleading aura. I tried my best to smile thanks and gesture jokingly at cereal being his idea of making breakfast before taking a seat and crossing my legs so it would feel less like my body was collapsing.

After a few minutes of mindlessly shoveling cereal in my mouth and gulping down my juice, Matthew interjected. "Tris, I think you should see someone, you're not coping. In life bad things happen and time normally heals things. But you honey aren't coping, so I made a few calls to the..."

"What are you saying? I'm fine, I ... wait you don't mean a shrink, do you?!" my voice turned sharp. My cereal bowl was now full of mush as I drew in a breath, trying to hide my crumpling face. I thought I was doing okay, my grades were good, I never broke curfew, I always had dinner ready and rarely served leftovers, all that for nothing, I thought I was protecting him...

"Tris, you don't do anything you are lifeless like a walking zombie. When my friend, Emma Lee left of cancer, that was hard for me but I held onto hope and it got better eventually. I think we both know that it is not getting better for you, Tris..." Matthew said as he got up and took our plates to the sink.

"I am fine" my voice turned flat as I got up to do the dishes. "I don't need help and I'm not going to go to a shrink. Just tell me what I have done wrong and I'll fix it". He knew.

"Tris, haven't you been listening to me or seen yourself for the past few months?" he growled angrily banging his fist on the table. "You do NOT do ANYTHING! It is like living with a robotised zombie. How could you have done something wrong if you don't do anything Bells?" he exclaimed breathing deeply to calm down.

"Fine I was going to get together with Chris this week. Now can I go?" I retorted.

"Yes, you may go. I just want you to be you, and feel happy or at least something besides this."

"Thanks." I said whilst trying to make an effort at a reassuring smile, but seemingly failed. Crap he definitely knew.

I could still hear the rain against the windows as I made my way almost shamefully up the stairs mulling over my new found insight into Matt's power of observation verses power of conversation. I seriously thought that I was protecting him from me, I thought I could at least prove to him that I could be strong so I would at least spare a person I cared for from me. I already hurt someone I loved and now he was gone... Besides I rebutted in my head to Matt's earlier suggestion of seeing a shrink, psychoanalysis relies on the truth and in my case the truth would probably end up locked in a white padded room, restrained by a straight jacket.

The closing of the front door, preceding the sound of Matt's car out front, starting its engine and driving away, alerted me to the loneliness of the empty house, reminding me that I would have to leave soon for school.

Sigh, the arduous task of looking presentable when I really didn't care about much besides the gaping hole making it hard to breathe and tears well up in my eyes, as I walked upstairs to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror as I walked into the bathroom reminded me of Four; despite no truth in it, the whole mirror and no reflection concept resounded in me screaming waves of pain through my gaping hole. Forcing myself not to sob, or for that matter collapse in an ocean of tears, I looked in the mirror. I took in every minute scratch or sign of aging around the rim of the mirror, found nothing, then stared at the sink realising it needed to be cleaned soon, and let my eyes focus on every detail in the bathroom without looking out the window, knowing it was raining. The shower was dripping so I turned the tap tighter until it stopped, so I pulled my socks off and checking my watch noting I had over an hour to kill before I was required to drive to school, then carefully wiped every droplet of water off the showers single sliding door and the rest of the walls inside it. I then realised I should probably shower before I go to school or at least rinse. If I wanted Matt to feel better about me I could at least put my "normal self" amount of effort into looking presentable, though that wasn't much, it was an improvement.

Ten minutes out of the very brief shower I rewhipped its' walls and hastily blow-dried my hair, yanking out the knots and pulling it back with simple hair elastic. There was still another twenty minutes till I would have to leave. Grumbling I wet my tooth brush, wrapped my towel around me tighter until the hole felt somewhat contained and begun the recommended three minute brush. Looking in the mirror I noticed how red my eyes look but at least they weren't tearing so I splashed my face with cool water and gargled with mouth wash. Once I had finished I looked around the bathroom and put the clothes I was wearing in the laundry basket and since I had done that I felt compelled to push all the clothes down and close the lid lining it with the hinges perfectly. Looking in the mirror or more like staring deciding what to do I realised my hair had grown, duh stupid, but really grown at least four inches or so down to my waist as I twirled and twisted trying to see the ends in the small mirror. Wondering if my weight had changed I hoped on the ancient scales; 109.2lbs, only 4 to 5lbs difference, on the heavier side, my girl mind noted, at least that didn't change much, my girl mind interceded again and I found myself chuckling at the vain thought.

After deciding to myself that I would make an effort to feel something again, I started reminiscing on what I did wrong to make Matt feel so distressed. Looking back I realised it was a whole lot of little things that I did or mostly didn't do. My mind was pretty sure that the incident when he left was not the main cause of concern, nor was the first few nights of unexpected screaming, it was something I did wrong which betrayed my original self and destroyed my act. That much I could surmise but since I couldn't be me again anyway I thought about little things I could do as I made my way to my bedroom to get changed into something more suited to what I normally would wear. It is not that I didn't used to wear my jeans and top that I was wearing this morning, I realised I wore it almost every day which I knew my old self most certainly wouldn't do. Annoyed at myself for not realising that sooner I decided I'd have to sit down and make a list, and soon. When I get back from school this afternoon I told myself as I flittered through my clothes pulling out a different top before wiggling it over my head.

The drive to school was a blur, I didn't turn on the stereo, it reminded me of HIM so it was relatively quiet too, apart from my car's usual buzz. All the good parking spaces were full so I had to make do with carefully backing it into a spot that looked too small for even a mouse to get into and carefully squeezing out to avoid bumping the car next to me, balancing my book bag under my parker to avoid the rain which seemed to have grown in intensity since I woke up. Stumbling to the shelter of the front office I realised people didn't even bother to look my way or say hello, it was as if I was surrounded by a bubble with sound all around me as people chatted and hung about waiting for the bell which was due to ring any second. Wondering what I did, I continued to walk to my first class, alone, not waiting for the bell.

I realised many people seemed to not properly notice or acknowledge my existence. This intimidated me so much that I couldn't bear to talk to Christina let alone ask about doing something this week. Crap. Was I really that bad? I guess I fooled no one except into thinking I really was a "robotised zombie". I had many chances to talk to Chris or anyone else that I usually would have before or even avoided before but everyone seemed to be under the impression I was surrounded by the bubble. Even in mathematics or Spanish when I was sitting next to her I couldn't because that bubble was still surrounding me. So I went the whole day without speaking to anyone not even the teachers who probably stopped bothering with me around the same time everyone else did. The familiar chiming of the bell jerked me out of a daze.

What time is it? What class am I in? I repeatedly asked myself until I realised I was in Math, or more like still in the Math classroom. That's right; I had asked Mrs. Borscht earlier if I could use her class room at lunch to 'study'. Sighing with a small amount of relief that I knew where I was I slumped back over my grid book, trying to will time to go faster. However before I could go back into my catatonic gaze a familiar voice interceded. I looked up, not bothering to straighten my ponytail or move the loose hair out of my face, expecting it to be either an angry or a concerned teacher. But it was nothing.

As the final bell of the school day resounded in the classrooms I found myself lazily pulling my sport uniform off and shoving it in my book bag, not wanting to bother with people heading to their lockers. It was still raining but not very hard so I didn't get too wet on the way to my car, despite stumbling twice. Even wedged between two cars the distinctive paint couldn't be lost so it was easy for me to find it; I had become forgetful over the past months so luckily my car proved an exception. Once I got in I turned the heater on full blast before hurriedly driving out onto the excuse of a main road.

The drive home seemed as much a blur as the drive to school; I have to stop doing that, I told myself. Figuring that the moments in time where everything seemed like a blur was part of the problem; the problem mainly consisted of upsetting my parents but also school/socialising was too. I knew from that moment that changing was going to be my top priority if I wanted my loved ones to be okay.

Matt arrived home around 5oclock right after I was done cooking his favorite foods; he hung his jacket up and rounded the corner to the lounge room to watch TV. I just watch him walk past the kitchen shocked that he didn't say hello or comment on the smell of my cooking; I didn't think it smelt bad, though most food had lost the pleasurable taste. Calm down Tris. Deep breaths he probably thought I was still a zombie. I sighed. I guess I wasn't fooling him one bit... Crap I was meant to organise something with Chris. What to do? I know!

"Matt! I jus-"I started but was abruptly cut off by Matthew who had sprinted into the kitchen. Note to self: control volume and pitch when speaking.

"What's wrong Tris? Did something... You spoke to me... and I didn't speak first... I-I I?" he exclaimed confused.

Ignoring this trying to be as normal as possible I started to speak, though my voice did sound alien to me. "Matt, I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to ask Christina if she wanted to hang out but I was wondering if you and I could spend some time together on the weekend." Matthew's jaw would be rolling around on the floor if it wasn't attached; note to self do not give my brother a heart attack. "Um um sure Bells what would you like to do? I guess we could see a movie or go out for dinner... or or..." feeling blush creep into my face because of his reaction I took a deep breath knowing what to do.

"Actually, that sounds great. You know just the two of us. Besides it would probably do me some good to get out in the fresh air and maybe vitamin D if the sun decides to show." With that, Matt seemed to markedly look more relaxed about me as we both ate dinner in our usual but good silence before continuing with making plans.

I found myself just a bit over two hours later pacing in my room looking at the piece of paper I set out on my desk wondering what to write on the list. I kept finding myself wondering if I had any homework to do but realised I had finished that much earlier in the afternoon and had proof read it whilst cooking. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it! I thought stomping a little too hard as I abruptly came to a halt. Then I decided to approach it differently and wrote out in blue pen: 'what was wrong with me that need to be fixed?'

You gained a few pounds... my girl mind suggested. Grumble. Okay that's a start. What else?

You don't exactly have perfect grades I mean come on that B+/A- average could easily become A+.

And I really couldn't think of anything besides the vain faults though then again better grades and body would be nice. Maybe that is why you found yourself where you are now like I'm sure I had other faults but maybe letting myself slip and not applying my all led to this shit of a downward spiral. Maybe that is why Four could never love me. Four was the definition of god like beauty and he was incredibly smart and knowledgeable, maybe his brains and beauty genes and the extra 100 years to gain knowledge was just too much to ask for him to love such a plain soft girl.

The clock beeped letting me know that a knew hour was upon me, it also jerked me into realising I was crying; the tears smudged my writing. God I'm useless I thought scrunching the paper up noting, no vowing to myself I will average A+ and loose the weight, perhaps more. Starting tomorrow I will have a plan I told myself aggressively before brushing my teeth and stumble into bed wearing an old baggy shirt; humph not that baggy anymore. I gladly welcomed the unconsciousness as it finally swept over me; the rain petting the window was the last thing I heard.

Four leaned against a tree and stared at me, his expression unreadable.

"Okay, let's talk," I said. It sounded braver than it felt. He took a deep breath.

"Tris, we're leaving."

I took a deep breath too. This was an acceptable option. I thought I was prepared. But I still had to ask. "Why now? Another year- "

Beep Beep!

Stop it I groan.

Beep Beep!

"Tris, I don't want you to come with me." He spoke the words slowly and precisely, his cold eyes on my face, watching as I absorbed what he was really saying.

Beep Beep!

"You ... don't ... want me?"

"No."

Beep Beep!

"No."

Beep Beep!

"You ... don't ... want me?"

Fuzzy images of my room start to come into focus. I can feel beads of sweat forming and rolling off my forehead. Tears streamed freely as realisation hits the words echo in my head: "You ... don't ... want me?" "No."

Beep Beep!

My alarm finally jerks me out of it, enough so that I could carry myself to the bathroom and rinse off all the sweat as hot water pounds my bare flesh. The word 'no' keeps repeating in my mind. He doesn't want me I keep realising over and over again as I rinse my scented conditioner from my hair. As I stepped out of the shower it felt like a million tons of concrete had fallen on my heaving chest. I look into the full length mirror hanging off the bathroom door just to make sure the house hadn't fallen on my head.

I stand there gasping for breath for a long time dripping and shaking not bothering to gather my towel around me for warmth. Trying to slow my heart beat I draw my attention to my naked body and am shocked at what I see. I'm slim but soft just squishy I look at all the squishy bits that I just noticed I really don't like. My arms legs, stomach and just about everything I balked at. Did I really look like that? Yes girl mind confirmed.

"You ... don't ... want me?"

"No."

He doesn't want me and I am beginning to see why, me and my girl mind think.

Beep Beep!

My alarm grabs my attention and I sprint out of the bathroom wrapping the towel around as I go. Not wanting to wake Matt up I hastily turn the alarm off before once again sprinting, this time out the door after pulling on suitable clothes for work. I gulp down a glass of juice and grab my school bag not bothering with getting out the essentials mainly because my school bag was so empty; its previous contents were spewed up yesterday afternoon so I could finish school work.

In my haste to get out of the house I found myself sitting in my car early for work. This however had its advantages I realised; I could sift through formulating a plan on what I wanted to do to reach my two goals I set for myself. I yanked my keys from the ignition and went forth with the long three hour shift.

Matt eyed my bundle as I walked through the door dripping from the rain.

"What do you have there, Tris?" he asked cautiously.

I was expecting this and had thought about it in the car. "Oh nothing much, I just realised I don't have any exercise cloths so I bought the basics. I thought maybe if I did something healthy and productive, like working off a few extra pounds which I gained during that time and tone up, that it might help me you know, get over it faster." It was a fairly long explanation for me but I knew Matthew would support me rather than oppose me if I got that off my chest. As expected, Matthew seemed slightly shocked that I could manage such a long and detailed answer, but he quickly recovered.

Obvious relief/hope flooded his face as he went on to add: "That is great, Tris!"

I smiled and couldn't help but add "You have a bit of extra poundage yourself. Perhaps I could cook a bit healthier for the benefit of both of us." My smile broadened and I couldn't help but giggle when Matt turned tomato red. "We can even go for a walk together every now and then." I said sarcastically knowing full well that he would not be doing that, his male ego wouldn't allow it.

I felt so elated and hopeful as I dressed into my track pants and my once baggier top. Matt was already feeling better about how I was "coping" I just knew it. Now all that was left was to give mom and dad the same relief that was now settling on Matt. So I turned on the computer and looked about my room. It wasn't messy but a few things were out of place. Knowing that my old computer would take till Christmas to warm up I scooped up all the dirty clothes and put them in the laundry basket in the bathroom, making sure the lid was shut and evenly lined up. I went on to fold all my clothes again and put them in the closet along with my newly bought sport gear. The computer had turned on but I now had to fill in time whilst waiting for the internet to connect. My bed was made but it wasn't even so I straightened everything out and smoothed the sheets, for some reason things needed to be just right as of recent, otherwise I felt slightly uncomfortable.

When the internet finally decided to awaken I went to work by reading through all of the emails my parents sent that indicated they had noticed something was wrong. All of their emails seemingly turned into monotone journal entries that had become further apart and shorter in duration. Knowing this I got to work by sending a gushing email that went over every detail replying to every change in life that I missed, making sure I was giving it lots of enthusiasm but not too much so that I sounded manic. I could tell it was going to work that mom would think I have started to get over it. Just by analysing the email she just sent me; the tone seemed normal with a slight hint of caution to the wind. In a week she will think I am back to my old self. I knew better I could feel the hole in me widening, making the air thick and hard to breathe, but that can be my secret.

Dinner was simple and we would be able to have it early, at around six. I felt pleased with myself the meal looked healthy and didn't smell half bad either. It was a vegetable concoction that I plan on using again with pasta instead of rice. I used pureed vegetables to make a creamy sauce without cream, bronzed a few crunchy vegetable, added celery as filler, and boiled brown rice to go with the meal. Matt didn't complain too much as I dished out two thirds for him and the remainder for myself. Despite my coaxing he insisted on putting cheese on his, deep down I knew I really didn't care as long as he didn't put it on mine, I also somehow knew that this would make it easier for me to reach an acceptable weight if I made out I wanted everyone to for the benefit of them and not just my vanity. Dinner was a quiet affair but it seemed as though Matt was already on the way to believing I was fine. If only I thought as I hid my unease until I reached my bedroom and let go. I was not fine and the gaping hole had no intention of leaving until I fixed myself, I just knew it.

Once I heard Matt's snores at around ten I turned to my computer which was thankfully still connected to the internet. Quickly I typed a word into search that I heard once in a magazine or something. I reeled in horror at what popped up; pictures of bones with skin draped over them, they weren't bony they were beyond description. I found myself feeling emotions of sadness that were not related to Four not being here. Recovering from the shock I typed in "nutrition". I had always secretly loved the science behind food so not only did I know a lot of the information I saw, I found that I was learning and understanding things at a remarkable speed even for me. This pleased me and I couldn't help but smile despite it feeling alien; I felt smart. Eventually exhaustion overcame me and I settled into thankfully a deep uninterrupted sleep.

**Page break**

I stretched and eased myself onto my accident prone feet, which winced when I finally made it to the bathroom. After stripping and removing my watch and hair tie I relieved myself and cautiously stepped onto the scale. I decided last night that things would start properly at the beginning of the week even if that meant an early start. After I brushed my teeth and got changed into comfortable but appropriate clothing, I picked up a blank palm size note book and recorded my weight today; 118.3lb. At the top of the page I wrote in red my height (5'4") and then my goal weight, 115lb. I then wrote on a recently acquired white board underneath the words: to do list; 'lose weight, get better grades'. I knew that I needed to keep a record of these things, I have heard that if you right down your goals you are more likely to achieve them so that's what I am going to do.

I felt exhausted but glad as I trudged in the door after a day of work, seeking refuge from the rain. My feet squeaked and my socks were soaked. Groaning my whole way up the stairs was involuntary as I winced. Trust me to bruise my tail bone. I shivered slightly as I closed the door to the bathroom and hoped in the shower to let warm water wash over me and clean my muddy locks. I relished the foggy environment of the bathroom as I turned up the fan to vent the moisture in the air so I could view my reflection as I brushed and towel dried my hair.

Once the mist cleared I wished it was back. I had dropped my towel and was viewing either side of my body. I could see I was not overweight but something about my reflection I did not like at all. (**She's seeing things)** I looked normal and healthy but I felt uneasy, I don't think I suit the way I look at present, hopefully when I get back to my old weight I will look better I thought and predominantly hoped. There was a slight bulge on my stomach, what I like to call the purge, and my thighs I decided rubbed too much; I vaguely remember having a healthy 'triangle' gap at the top, which was no longer visible no matter how long I stared at myself. I felt like punching the mirror but instead I got changed emptied the laundry hamper, carried it downstairs and put it in the washing machine.

The rest of the evening went by slowly. I remained a tentative to laugh at Matt's light comments and interact normally. The last thing I wanted was for him to think that I wasn't coping when he just started to see I was. I knew I wasn't, but it felt necessary to put on a mask I had acquired to keep him and everyone else at bay until they backed off. I knew they would I could feel it as Matt walked out to go and hang out with his friends.

As I heard his car back out of our smooth driveway I walked slowly upstairs and flopped onto my bed. I lay there for a moment to savour the grey blankets comforting embrace. The computer was on and stared at me menacingly until I bothered to get up and throw myself into a long half hour of acting animated, happy and normal as I wrote to Mom. I was shocked she was out of the woods of worry. I could tell. This pleased me and I inwardly smiled as I signed off. I felt as though I had accomplished a task now at least I knew they weren't worrying about me. Now I just have to get our gang at school to interact with me. This was a pleasing thought.

Knowing Matt wasn't going to be back until late, I found myself noisily rummaging through all my clothing. I sorted them according to size. I wanted to get rid of them. That left me with my comfy pairs of jeans, the formal wear Christina got me, I wonder how she is going, my pjs and exercise gear. I forgot how little I owned in the clothing department. I knew I would have to go clothes shopping. Shudder I hate shopping for clothes. The sorting didn't take very long so I decided to research on the internet nutrition science and various methods to lose weight. This thankfully took up hours that would otherwise be spent gasping for air, trying not to fall apart; it was a distraction and an interest I always had but never explored so naturally I had forgotten about it until now.

Matt arrived home at around 1:30am slightly drunk, by which time I became entrenched in my self-assigned research and had wrote a long list of things that I would be implementing as of tomorrow. Exercises, food, drink, calories and everything else concerning nutrition were on the list which I had carefully written down in an exercise book. However there were some things I had to wait till morning to write down so I could implement my first strategy. It left me buzzing with new found enthusiasm as I drifted off after making sure Matt was in bed and not on the couch.


	18. Important!

**I am SO VERY sorry but I wont be able to upload this week because of finals. BUT! Once I graduate, I'll write much more! **

**Also- sorry for the whole "depression" thing. I'll go back and fix that chapter soon. Soon meaning in 5 days.**

**Thank you for sticking with!**

**Iamdivergent2000**


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